Communication Theory states that a communication persists until it is received.
Receiving a communication completes it forever.
Incomplete communications become 'silent things' within you, each one a little wound waiting to be healed.
On this website you can gain clarity about the Thoughtmap of Communication, how communications originate, are encoded (either consciously as High Drama or unconsciously as Low Drama), transmitted, decoded (either consciously as High Drama or unconsciously as Low Drama), and create an impression.
If you are not changed,
you did not hear what the other person said.
When you use the 12 Roadblocksyour Box feels safe,
Your Box feels safe, because with the blocks in place, authentic communication cannot occur.
Unblocking communications may feel like learning how to communicate all over again almost from the beginning.
Stopping doing Roadblocks starts by experiencing how often you make Roadblocks with enough clarity that it becomes too painful to keep doing it the old way.
12 Roadblocks To Communication
...as originated by Thomas Gordon Without knowing it you block your communications with others using 12 techniques. Each of us has a few favorites.
ORDER / DIRECT / COMMAND
(Telling someone to do something or giving them a command. Order them around as if they are a slave.)
“Stop complaining!” "Work faster!" “You must do your work!” “Don't do it that way! Do it this way!”
WARN / ADMONISH / THREATEN TO PUNISH
(Telling someone the consequences that will occur if they do something. Predicting their future.)
“Keep doing that and you will be fired.” “If this does not change you will be sorry.” ”You better take care of this or else!”
EXHORT / MORALIZE / PREACH
(Telling someone what they should do or ought to do when they did not ask you to do this for them.)
“You should not act like that.” “You ought to do this.” “You must always…”
ADVISE / GIVE SOLUTIONS / SUGGEST THINGS
(Telling a person how to solve a problem. Giving a person advice or suggestions. Providing answers, solutions, or prescriptions unasked for.)
“I suggest you forget about this.” “Why don’t you take a vacation?” “You could try something else.” “My advice on this is…”
LECTURE / TEACH / GIVE LOGICAL ARGUMENTS
(Trying to influence a person with facts, counter-arguments, logic, or your own opinion.)
“If you do not stay in line you will not get a promotion.” “Think of it this way: it could be worse.” “Let us look at the facts.”
JUDGE / CRITICIZE / DISAGREE / BLAME
(Making a negative judgment or evaluation of a person, trying to get them to stop doing what they are doing.)
“You are not thinking clearly.” “You are wrong about that.” “I disagree with you about that.” “That is a silly point of view.” “That will not work.” “That is impossible.”
PRAISE / AGREE / BUTTER-UP / COMPLIMENT
(Offering a positive evaluation or judgment, agreeing, trying to get a person to keep doing what they just did. Praise is no different from blame, in that, they are both manipulative forms of conditioning.)
“You are fantastic.” “You are really good at this.” “I really like it when you do that.” “I totally agree with you, you are so right.”
NAME CALL / RIDICULE / SHAME / CATEGORIZE
(Making a person feel foolish, putting someone into a category, shaming someone.)
“You are Mr. Know It All.” “Do you always make mistakes like this?” “You are the problem here.”
INTERPRET / PSYCHOANALYZE / DIAGNOSE
(Telling a person what his motives are, analyzing why a person is doing or saying something, communicating that you have someone figured out.)
“You are just jealous.” “You really don’t believe that at all.” “You feel that way because you just lost the game.” “You did that for revenge.” “Probably you are just hungry or tired.”
REASSURE / SYMPATHIZE / CONSOLE / SUPPORT
(Trying to make someone feel better, trying to talk someone out of their feelings, trying to make someone’s feelings go away, denying the strength of someone’s feelings.)
“You will feel different tomorrow.” “Everyone goes through periods like this.” “Do not worry. Things will work out okay.” “I used to think that way to.” “The same thing happened to me!”
PROBE / QUESTION / INTERROGATE
(Trying to find reasons, motives, causes. Searching for more information to help you solve their problem.)
“When did you start feeling this way?” “Where did you get that idea?” “Why would you do something like that?” “What does that imply about you?”
WITHDRAW / DISTRACT / HUMORIZE / DIVERT
(Trying to get someone away from the problem. Withdrawing from the problem yourself. Distracting the person, kidding them out of it, pushing the problem aside.)
“Just forget about it.” “Come on, let us go get some ice cream.” “That guy is just a jerk anyway.” “I am not interested in this stuff.” “We have been through all this before.” “Where are you going on your next vacation?” “Oh, well. It only cost a million Euros.”
Using a Roadblock is not 'bad' or 'wrong'.
It simply creates the result that the other person feels not heard.
You know it when other people use a Roadblock on you...
How does it feel?
It feels like hopelessness, giving up, zero respect, no recognition, lack of connection, a failure of communication... Love is not happening.
It feels like doing whatever it takes to get revenge... or walking away.
Conscious communication with Completion Loops is so simple, rewarding, and enjoyable.
How do you do it?
You complete the communication from the other person before starting the next communication of your own.
For example, if someone says, "My bicycle is broken," and you say, "Let me have a look at it. I think I can fix it," totally destroying the opportunity to hear them say, "It reminds me of those wonderful Saturday afternoons in my childhood when I could open my toolbox and get my hands greasy fixing my bike, a kind of healing from of all this computer work I do these days."
You jumped the gun. You made the assumption that you already knew what they needed to have you hear. You destroyed intimacy with them.
How often do you destroy intimacy like this?
How much longer will you keep doing that?
Consciously Use Roadblock #1
Roadblock #1 is: ORDER / DIRECT / COMMAND
Feel the pain of using this Roadblock on a human being.
Notice how skilled you are at using this Roadblock.
Notice when this Roadblock is used on you.
Tell the person you used this Roadblock on them to become more conscious about your behavior.
Apologize for doing it.
Ask them what they noticed.
Then use a Completion Loop for their original message. You know when your Completion Loop has worked when they automatically respond by saying, "Yes."
Make Zero Roadblocks: Use Ongoing Completion Loops
For this next week get fanatical about using Completion Loops. Make ZERO Roadblocks.
Someone tells you, "Good morning," and your response is, "You are telling me that you think this is a good morning." Or, "You are asking me if I think it is a good morning."
When they say, "Yes," then in your mind you hear, "Bing!" You have successfully completed the communication! They feel heard. The need for them to say this to you is now gone forever. You can both move on to the next communication impulse.
This Experiment is not about using a Completion Loop once per say. It is about moving into the Thoughtmap Of Communication and making Completion Loops the way you dance with people in your life.
Learn to use Completion Loops skillfully. If people around you experience a Completion Loop and start making comments like, "Is there an echo in here?" or, "Dad, have you turned into a parrot?" this is feedback for you. They are saying that you lack finesse, timing, invisibility, and skillful means. It means you need to keep practicing Completion Loops, but differently.
Say, "Thanks for the feedback. Please go on," and stay calmly connected with them. Listen to each thing they say, making the Completion Loops silently in your mind. Now and then at the 'right moment', make a Completion Loop out loud.
Develop your sense about what 'right moments' are. Well-delivered Completion Loops are miraculously healing.
Most people do not know about Completion Loops, so you cannot expect others to make Completion Loops with you. However, you can pay attention to those times you wish for a Completion Loop from the other person. Then you can say, "Would you please repeat back what I said so I know that you heard me?"
Use Completion Loops For As-Is Healing
When an event occurs such as an accident, a miscommunication, something is lost or gained, a shock can enter any of a human being's 5 Bodies. The shock-effect is the symptom of not being in the Present with whatever happened or did not happen, thus creating a Gap.
The split between what happened and where the person functions in current time, might be filled with any number of things, such as Emotions, Stories, Projections, Conclusions, Confusion, Self-Doubt (which comes from a story), etc.
'As Is-ing' works equally well for children and adults. It is a standard healing tool that proceeds magnificently. We hope you learn it. The way to start learning it is by doing this Experiment.
For this next week keep 3% of your Attention reserved for Noticing 'reality splits', that is, a gap between where you would expect a person to be and where they seem to be. The instant you find a 'reality split', gently interrupt the flow of the conversation by making a Meta Conversation - a conversation about the conversation - "May I ask you a question about something I just noticed? (Yes.) It looks like there is a 'reality split' between something that happened to you and who you are right now. If you would let me, I would accompany you on a journey starting at the moment the gap happened back here to the present, filling in the gaps along the way. This is called 'As-Ising'. It might take ten minutes or so. Are you willing?"
If they say, "Yes," then start with a question like, "How old were you when this thing happened?" Use whatever Golden Key they give you, and make a Completion Loop with each-and-every 5 Body sharing they give you. Ask them to be clear and specific with names, dates, what exactly happened - and their 4 Feelings about it - as you progress from there back then to here and NOW.